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6月24日 Anniversaries Mark Changes in Life Yesterday marked what would have been my 15th anniversary with Gene. It was a special day for me. I spent much of my time running errands, and one of those included a stop at the cemetery to visit Gene’s grave. When I got home I continued the packing and purging that’s been part of my routine for the last several weeks. I focused on the files in Gene’s desk drawer. I came across a collection of papers and cards from me to Gene and vice versa over the 14 years we were together. The most interesting part of the collection was some printed E-mails that he and I exchanged all the way back in the summer of 1993. Believe it or not, we were both using E-mail at the birth of the World Wide Web. Here is a quote from an E-mail Gene sent me on July 9, 1993. We had been dating for just about 3 weeks and already knew that something special was beginning: John, Before you head off on vacation and into the manly world of peeing in the woods (I was going backpacking) I wanted to tell you how much I will miss you. Your time in Oregon will give us a chance to step back and see what has happened for us in the past few weeks. We have really jumped right in with each other. Now, for a week we can step back and think about where we are and where we might go. Your honesty and openness are what I look for, and your warmth and acceptance of me during tough times has really helped. Thank you for taking things slowly. I have trust in you and faith in the future, wherever it may take us. Have a wonderful vacation. Hugz, Fuzzzy Where time took us is now a part of my biography – a work in progress, and Gene’s biography, the final page of which was written 9 months ago. The tough times he was referring to was his grieving over the death of his partner Marty. Now it's my turn to assume the status of widow. I have new respect for what Gene went through back in '93. He had been with Marty for 11 years. Though ultimately his path was somewhat different from mine, I can see now I really had no idea what was going on in Gene's heart - even though we often talked about Marty, his illness and death. July 2008 is almost here, and now Mayflower Moving Company is packing up my house. Boxes and papers are scattered throughout the place. Pictures are off the walls and I feel like once again my life is turning a corner – to be forever changed. I’m very busy and I think the impact will not settle in until I’m alone and the whirlwind of activity has died down. I feel scared and sad and more than a little lonely, but like Gene I have “faith in the future, wherever it may take (me).” When the packers are gone, I think I will be exhausted. I know the puppies already are. 6月8日 Nirvana for Gay SnobsOh my gosh! I am soooo gay! And I am such a snob. It's time to embrace both. I felt like I was in Nirvana yesterday when I spent 3.5 hours in the Bellevue Ethan Allen furniture store. I was surrounded by swatches, catalogs, furniture, samples and accessories. The goal was planning the integration of all my furniture into the new house. Specifically, what are now separate living and dining rooms will become one large room. Both rooms currently have very different styles. I knew, going into the store, that one specific piece of furniture would not fit in the new house. I have been thinking about how to cope with that challenge. I have a very large and traditional oak china cabinet. There is no wall space for it in the new house. After searching through furniture stores and online catalogs for the last week I finally set my eye on a much smaller curio cabinet sold by Ethan Allen. I think it will do a great job displaying my cobalt glass collection and some of my select china and crystal, but easily fit the space in my new house. Below are examples of the furniture and fabrics I have chosen. I bought the curio cabinet, two new bar stools with wicker backs, and two new arm chairs to be placed at the ends of my dining table. I also chose curtain rods and accent fabrics for the two big windows in the space. Window coverings will be roman shades woven from grape vines and accented by modern taupe and gold fabric panels at the ends. Wall paint will be neutral cream and taupe. For the first time, this house is going to be completely decorated with no gaps. From window dressing to carpets to furniture and accessories - it will all be coordinated, like something out of a magazine. The funniest moment of the day came when I was showing pictures of my current home and furniture and one of the decorators said, "This home looks familiar. Do you live in the Highlands?" My jaw dropped open and then I laughed. "Are you serious, " I asked? I'm a teacher. I live in Magnolia. For those of you unfamiliar with Seattle, the Highlands is one of our most exclusive enclaves full of beautiful multi-million dollar estates behind a guarded gate. Families with names like Boeing and Nordstrom live there. Though I may be as snobby as some folks that dwell in the Highlands, I certainly don't have the same resources. Perhaps, I do have similar taste. I suspect the decorator was trying to kiss my ass, sensing I was willing to spend a decent amount of money. Or, she was woefully ignorant. Either way, I'm going to take it as a complement about my classic good taste in furniture and design, and my ability to acquire some excellent timeless furniture over time. And for that gift I thank my mother who taught me that champagne taste on a beer budget is actually a good thing. Fifteen years of slowly and thoughtfully selecting good furniture one piece at a time is finally going to pay off. The big gap at my current house has been window treaments. I've done nothing except tolerate the metal blinds that were already in the house when I bought it. Now that gap will be eliminated. I guess a little bit of me hopes that whenever guest come over to my new house, they will walk through the entry hall step down into the living/dining room and have a little decorator's orgasm! 6月6日 A New DreamI had two dreams about Gene last night. I've dreamed about him several times in the past few months, but not recently and today's dreams had a significant difference: he was alive and he spoke to me. Formerly, my dreams were visions of Gene's death. He was in a hospital bed with machines beeping and tube dripping until they stopped when he took his final breath and the last beat of his heart registered on a graph. I've also seen him lying on the floor of the museum in a crucifixion pose surrounded by medics and I was standing nearby feeling powerless and shocked. But, today everything about my dream was alive and real with stereo sound and HDTV color. It all seemed shockingly real. The experience has left me feeling torn. Part of me doesn't want to share these dreams with anybody. My feelings are too intimate or even silly. But part of me wants to act like he is still alive and shout it out so everyone knows it was all a horrible mistake, even if that isn't true. I've decided I'll tell you the basics. In the first dream I was on a cruise (of course!) but traveling by myself. Part of cruising is the ubiquitous photographer that bullies passengers into posing for a shot. I told the photographer on the deck of a Princess ship, "I'm alone. I really don't want my picture taken." It's at that moment I felt a hand slip around my waist and a voice to my right say, "...then I'll be in the picture with you." I turned my head and the man standing next to me was Gene. I was dumbfounded. He didn't look the same as I had known him. He had lost weight and his hair was longer, but he had the same face and voice and our bodies matched together in the same way I remembered from so many years. The change in his look led me to believe he had been on a long journey, but though his outside was different I knew him from the sound of his voice and the feel of his touch. I looked at him with shock. I kept repeating aloud, "It can't be you. You can't be alive." But internally I was praying, please let this be true. Please let this be a miracle. It was all a horrible mistake, wasn't it? Within seconds I realized he wasn't alive. I knew the experience was impossible and even more disheartening, I realized I was dreaming. Whenever I dream and realize my true status, I awaken within seconds. Quickly, I started talking to Gene, telling him I missed him and the last few months have been horrific without him. But even as I rushed to get the words out I could see we were being pulled apart. The crowd on the deck was being separated into two parts and we were on opposite sides of a growing foggy void. The colors in my dream faded, the voices quieted and I woke up - crying, of course. I rolled over very quickly, hoping to go back to sleep and dream again. Believe it or not, that's exactly what happened. The second dream is no longer clear in my memory. I just know I was with Gene again, and we talked. I don't remember the words or the setting but the gist of the conversation was comforting though brief. I was able to hug him and tell him I love him. I awoke perhaps an hour after the first dream feeling an overwhelming sense that something within me had changed. A new thing had happened. I also have a weary sense that he has died a second time. I've lost him again! I cried off and on for the last hour as I fed the dogs, made coffee, dressed - all the morning routines. I've had trouble seeing the keyboard through my watery vision. I keep typing though because I am compelled to record all that I remember. I'm grateful for these dreams. I don't know their significance, but for many months I have been longing for a dream of Gene alive and interactive and I finally got it. I wanted him to tell me he loves me and everything will be ok. But I don't remember hearing those words in my dream. My friend Phyllis would tell me Gene's spirit is playing a role - that he is trying to convey a message. She believes Gene is steering my course right now - watching over me like a guardian angel. She even believes Gene arranged for me to find the perfect house to buy and start a new stage of life alone. But I don't know what the meaning of these dreams might be. I don't have the mystical faith of Phyllis. I wish I did. At this moment, as I write and listen to the sounds of my dogs wrestling on the floor nearby, I feel emotionally and physically drained. Maybe it's the drugs I'm taking for back pain, but more so, I believe I've had a crisis - a moment of change. This little crisis has left me exhausted. In the aftermath of the event I'm confused. What does it mean? Where will I go next? Nothing is clear. That's been my assessment for the last month. Nothing in life seems clear to me. I feel apathetic, but my mind pulls me forward. I have a plan and I'm sticking with it. There are several significant attributes of my personality, and one of is I am strategic, and a planner. Today's dreams don't seem to bring any clarity about my future. Hopefully time will change my perceptions. I'm plodding ahead. If there is anything that I have learned in the last nine months, it's the skill of moving forward slowly, one step at a time. I can also predict that when I go to bed tonight, I will hope to dream about and interact with Gene again. But I don't think I will experience some great clarifying vision. I don't know what I hope for except the opportunity to touch him again. That's really what I want. 6月3日 Making ProgressI locked in the 5.625% interest rate for the loan on my new house. I took care of scheduling installation of satellite TV and phone/Internet service. There is little that can stop this purchase now. The only possible roadblock I can imagine is if the appraisal raises questions for the underwriting department at the mortgage company. I think that's unlikely. However, lenders are very sensitive right now because of the mortgage meltdown and tighter credit markets. In Magnolia, we finished our first open house two days ago. 14 people walked through. 1-2 agents have visited the house each day since it hit the market one week ago. 24 marketing flyers have been taken from the For Sale sign in the same time period. One shopper even visited the house twice on Sunday. I think things are going well on both fronts. The only negative is my back. In the last 24 hours things have taken a turn for the worse. I'm on my way now to physical therapy and I have a follow-up appointment with my physician. I may take the rest of the year off from school. Yesterday I just about passed out in class when I reached up to staple something on the bulletin board and a severe shooting pain overtook me. I stumbled, caught myself, then went to sit down at my desk. Attached is a picture of me stapling up the SOLD sign at the new house. |
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